Two young friends, both in leadership positions, had explained similar experiences in their work lives this past week that could only be described as job crises. Interestingly, after listening to both of them in separate conversations explain their situations, I was struck by how similar their experiences had been.
Maybe not ironically, this morning, I received the most recent book on leadership written by a third friend, Dr. Danny Friedland. As I sat to read that book, the introductory paragraphs presented a vivid description of a meeting in which I had been a significant player.
As a trustee of a major medical membership certification organization, my role had been to represent that group as they moved into a collaborative relationship with another significant group of medical professionals. This meeting had occurred in San Diego about four or so years ago, and on the morning of what was intended to be the final vote and announcement of this new relationship, due to Dr. Friedland, everything literally “went off the rails.”
Danny who was the chairman of one of the groups and the author of the book I just received, explained in detail what had caused the derailment. He had had a very frustrating exchange with his 14-year-old son that morning which caused him to question not only his own parenting skills but also his abilities as a leader, a facilitator, and a consultant. It made him believe that if he couldn’t deal with his own family, how was he qualified to lead a national organization of physicians and other medical experts and professionals.
According to his explanation of what followed, his crisis of leadership evolved into a reactive, survival-oriented, negative sense of self-doubt where his fear of being exposed as a imposter was magnified exponentially in his own consciousness. This resulted in his confronting the leader of the other group in a way that pulled the entire meeting into a negative spiral and nearly nullified the potential partnership.
In his description of what had happened, his frame of mind had devolved into what he described as a reactive mindset that put him in a survival mode. Because he had been experiencing a threat response to the stress of the morning., his feelings of self-doubt were significantly magnified. Since he was not prepared to lead well that morning, his feelings of stress and self-doubt only intensified. As Danny described it, “My ego, seeking power and fighting for control, was in the driver’s seat. And this reactive mindset would soon find its way into the room—and affect everyone in it—taking our collaboration to the brink of dissolution.”
In retrospect, Dr. Friedland analyzed what occurred next. The other leader called for a break where he, Danny and I went outside to discuss what had happened. It was during that time that he realized his reactive mindset triggered by stress, uncertainty, and self-doubt in others had resulted in the breakdown.
After that break where self-introspection and self-analysis prevailed, we returned to the room and that day, the relationship, and the partnership were all saved. He had moved from a reactive to a creative mindset that, in his words, “of conscious-awareness, self-compassion, and courage lead to growth, inspiration, energy, and empathy, enabling the team to work well together with transparency and trust and become aligned in a shared vision to more fully focus its collective energy to serve others and something larger than themselves.”
Why am I telling this tale? Neither of my young friends were on the receiving end of a compassionate, self-aware partnership. Both had been bullied, attacked, and denigrated by their co-workers who persisted in their reactive mindsets. In my leadership roles, I’ve had to fire about 50 people, all of whom were incapable of introspection, who always blamed others for their problems, and who were incapable of handling their own insecurities. You may want to buy Danny’s book, “Leading Well From Within,” and secretly place it on their desks.
