Well, I bought two new FAT suits on sale last week, and today one of them wouldn’t fit me. Yep, after ten years of stable, no weight gain, my middle started to inflate; five, ten then 15 pounds. I’ve spent more on having my pants let out than I have on gasoline this month. Pinching an inch would be a dream. Pinching a Michelin is more like it.
Don’t get me wrong, I know what I did to cause this, really I do. It is also clear what I will need to do to reverse it, but it is the holidays, after all, and, for the first time since 1998, I am not limited to eating only the garnishes at all of the parties. Free at last. I’m free at last!
The rules had always been the same: Eat breakfast each and every day. Drink tea for the antioxidants. Brush your teeth. Don’t miss your Omega 3 fish oil. Get enough sleep. Make sure you have at least one hobby; exercise and join something where you can socialize at least once a week. Use sun screen, drink plenty of water and cut out saturated fats. So, what went wrong?
I moved from my Ornish Heart Disease Reversal diet to the modified Mediterranean diet; went from working out three days a week to working out two days a week; and, after ten years of abstinence, started eating chocolate and drinking one 200 calorie chai tea a day. Do the math. That’s 200 new calories a day, seven days a week, four weeks a month. Add that to the lack of exercise, and it represents a caloric train wreck. The chocolate? Well, that easily accounted for at least five pounds of extra me. Ten years of make-up work in twelve short months.
The problem with having all of this knowledge is that, periodically, it’s important to feel like you are alive, and living can be defined in hundreds of ways. The more conservative you are, the fewer things you will probably have to do to make things feel a little more wild. I can’t get away with most of the things that I’ve day dreamed about, but this departure from my diet was major for me.
One of my most vivid memories from my former life was the trip that I made from Pittsburgh to San Diego. I know I mentioned this a hundred or so blogs ago, but it was almost a primal moment. As the plane took off, I looked down and saw an M&M between my shoes. I stared at it for what seemed like hours and then actually reached a point of temptation and desperation that was so intense, I almost bent down to pick it up and eat it. Then I kicked it as far away as I could and realized how pathetic my life had become.
It’s time, however, to get back into my suits.
So, I’ll see you at the gym…with my big sweat pants and a pocket full of Hershey kisses!
Happy Holidays everyone, and thanks for a great year.